I woke up just a few minutes ago from a dream. A very sobering dream in which, for reasons that I can't remember now, my daughter was meeting me for the first time since she was a baby.
I was there with just Stephanie and her. I was explaining to her that she had given me a "best friends" bracelet before I went away. I was struggling to connect with this part of me that I knew but who didn't know me.
It was heart-wrenching.
By far the worst dream I have had in a long time.
I woke up with that weird worried feeling, like I was dreading something. You know, the kind of feeling that makes you realize just how lucky you are to have what you do. I realized then that today, any day really, I am only one mistake away from my children growing up not knowing their dad. I am only one stupid decision away from Steph raising my kids on her own. I struggle sometimes so hard to get the generalities of "family" and "I love you" and being a husband and father right, that I forget to acknowledge how it ALL hinges on the small things.
Small things like the fact that I drive a truck literally loaded down with a ton of tools, toolboxes, materials, and equipment everyday. In effect a rolling wrecking ball. With bad brakes, worse tires and usually pushing it to get somewhere. That's risky enough as it is. Now consider that I am usually not smart enough to just focus on the task at hand when I am driving. I am usually texting, looking up something online, or at times even playing games on my phone, and often while dividing my attention between the radio, my coffee, and a host of other little mind distracting annoyances.
I have this picture in my mind. I've been close to it many times before, the close call. I can picture myself, for whatever reason, distracted. Only to realize just seconds too late, that I am about to plow into the back of another vehicle.
Now, my first reaction is to think "no... That wouldn't happen. I am still paying attention when I do these stupid things."
Really Joe! How stupid are you to think that it's even worth the risk of losing it ALL for the sake of texting someone or googling something that had no bearing on the outcome of your day. Is it worth my kids not knowing their dad. Is it worth not getting to grow old with Steph. Laughing, crying, and sharing all of life's beautiful, painful moments together? Is it worth not seeing Aravis kick her first soccer ball past a 7 yr old kid to make a goal? Is it worth missing Judah's first day of school? Is it worth not being there when Daisy takes her first step or says her first word?
No. Nothing is worth the intangibles. Nothing on this earth anyway. And certainly not anything short of life changing.
But thats exactly what those two seconds of distraction could become... Life changing. For me, and for my family.
What scares me is this: How long have I gone through every day, oblivious to the fact that I am only moments away from this bad decision? How long and how often do I not give weight to the little things that could disqualify all of my efforts in the blink of an eye.
"Give me wisdom and knowledge, that I may lead this people, for who is able to govern this great people of yours?"
2 Chronicles 1:10
(The prayer of Solomon)
Lord give me wisdom today. Oh man I need it badly! Thank you for protecting me and my family from my lack of wisdom, but today help me to operate with an awareness of how fragile lifes intricacies can be.
"Give me wisdom and knowledge, that I may lead this family, for who is able to govern this great family of yours?"
I was there with just Stephanie and her. I was explaining to her that she had given me a "best friends" bracelet before I went away. I was struggling to connect with this part of me that I knew but who didn't know me.
It was heart-wrenching.
By far the worst dream I have had in a long time.
I woke up with that weird worried feeling, like I was dreading something. You know, the kind of feeling that makes you realize just how lucky you are to have what you do. I realized then that today, any day really, I am only one mistake away from my children growing up not knowing their dad. I am only one stupid decision away from Steph raising my kids on her own. I struggle sometimes so hard to get the generalities of "family" and "I love you" and being a husband and father right, that I forget to acknowledge how it ALL hinges on the small things.
Small things like the fact that I drive a truck literally loaded down with a ton of tools, toolboxes, materials, and equipment everyday. In effect a rolling wrecking ball. With bad brakes, worse tires and usually pushing it to get somewhere. That's risky enough as it is. Now consider that I am usually not smart enough to just focus on the task at hand when I am driving. I am usually texting, looking up something online, or at times even playing games on my phone, and often while dividing my attention between the radio, my coffee, and a host of other little mind distracting annoyances.
I have this picture in my mind. I've been close to it many times before, the close call. I can picture myself, for whatever reason, distracted. Only to realize just seconds too late, that I am about to plow into the back of another vehicle.
Now, my first reaction is to think "no... That wouldn't happen. I am still paying attention when I do these stupid things."
Really Joe! How stupid are you to think that it's even worth the risk of losing it ALL for the sake of texting someone or googling something that had no bearing on the outcome of your day. Is it worth my kids not knowing their dad. Is it worth not getting to grow old with Steph. Laughing, crying, and sharing all of life's beautiful, painful moments together? Is it worth not seeing Aravis kick her first soccer ball past a 7 yr old kid to make a goal? Is it worth missing Judah's first day of school? Is it worth not being there when Daisy takes her first step or says her first word?
No. Nothing is worth the intangibles. Nothing on this earth anyway. And certainly not anything short of life changing.
But thats exactly what those two seconds of distraction could become... Life changing. For me, and for my family.
What scares me is this: How long have I gone through every day, oblivious to the fact that I am only moments away from this bad decision? How long and how often do I not give weight to the little things that could disqualify all of my efforts in the blink of an eye.
"Give me wisdom and knowledge, that I may lead this people, for who is able to govern this great people of yours?"
2 Chronicles 1:10
(The prayer of Solomon)
Lord give me wisdom today. Oh man I need it badly! Thank you for protecting me and my family from my lack of wisdom, but today help me to operate with an awareness of how fragile lifes intricacies can be.
"Give me wisdom and knowledge, that I may lead this family, for who is able to govern this great family of yours?"
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