Failing Gods tests...

I woke up this morning about 5 or so. I've been realizing that if I am to make this life work I need to keep meeting with God in the mornings. So I spent some time in the word and felt like I received some kind of connection with the Lord. After that I went back to bed. When I woke up again it was my wife who woke me up. She said "Joe" my eyes popped right open. She proceeded to tell me all that was on her heart and I immediately became defensive. She was saying, "but I am hurt" and I was saying "but I just woke up and its not really as bad as you think!" Needless to say, she stayed hurt and I stayed where I was. I was not prepared. I was not ready for her to share her heart with me. My Christlike response was nowhere to be found. I tried to make it right after she gave up, but it was too late at that point. She was even more hurt. Then she left. She was already on her way out the door to teach a yoga class, but she decided to give me a chance to be like Jesus to her. . .

I blew it. I chose myself over her. I chose my own ways instead of Gods' ways.

Now I feel sick. I feel like I have betrayed my wife's heart. I feel like I have taken a look at who she is and just tossed it aside. I feel disgustingly selfish, and at my wife's expense.

What do I do now? What comes next?

I need to find more time alone with Jesus, but I got two kids up and about now. I have a ton of studying to do for a test next week. There is no time to be 'alone' with Jesus.

There's no more quiet place, or solitary place. Even if I found it on the outside, my insides are alive with noise and confusion.

So where do I go. How do I proceed?

Psalms tells us that; the Lord prepares a table for us in the midst of our enemies... In the middle of the valley of the shadow of death!

The mental picture that goes along with that for me is a picture of someone feasting on a nice meal in the middle of a WWII battle field or something.

So is it possible Lord, that if you are that extreme, that you could make a peaceful place in my heart, in the midst of my family? ...

sure.

So really, the next part is very little me and very much about You Lord. I've already taken a shot at it this morning and I failed miserably. So, I need you. I cannot seem to find the right place where the answers are less about what I say and more about what attitude I say them with. I cannot be broken on my own. I need you to do that too.

Lord, You are the "I am".

The beginning, the end, and everything that concerns me in between.

It is a humbling, but necessary request to ask that the God of all creation would help me with what He's given me charge over, but I do need your help.

From the smallest detail to the big picture, my wife's heart is on the line. I need you. I need you Lord. I need you.

I call on your name. I need you.